Placid

Time fleeting fast, an air so fresh brushes your face,

thoughts and dreams echo in spaces vast,

the serenity beating through this place.

A constant hum in the milieu, 

filled with words empty all the more.

Reason ceases to exist,

O’heart you’ve found your place. 

Purge.

And thus, you have been humiliated.
    Have you not hit the ground harder?
This is the end of of your tunnel.
Look forward, maybe you'll see the light.
      you've taken the storm,
braved the beating.
      Redemption will come.

Take A Minute

Stay still my heart.
You're been burnt, beaten and loved too many times.
You've been tricked, hurt and laughed at.
You fall too soon, you trip too hard.
You dream too far, you feel too soon.
It's never too late and it's not so lovely.
But, the road ahead is not so dark and dingy.
You make it what you seem.
Beat slow my heart, no need to feel a rush.

Barren and Empty; Lush and Complete

Quiet weird isn't it? Sometimes when you struggle hard to set things straight, look for monotony in the randomness, the calm in all the noise, There! You found it! God Bless! You're calm, you're steady, you're satisfied, but not happy. You walk through a crowd like a ghost, trying so hard to go unnoticed, wishing with all your might to keep things lasting that way. You're up, you're ready, you walk, you pray, you're steady. You fake a smile, shed a tear, and act like you're not that stone cold, not just yet...you listen, you keep quiet, and you wish just to be left alone. You get it, you have it, and it’s yours. You like it, you hold on to it strong. Swish! The flick of a wand? The chill of the breeze? The sound of silence? You feel the cold, you feel the void, the emptiness inside. You’re scared? But how can you? You were the same person who wanted all that, and now you feel fear? Ludicrous! What’s wrong with you? Are you fine? You need to see a shrink, you need to talk, you need help. But then...no one listens, no one's bothered, when you were that ghost of a man, when you were that face in a crowd, they didn’t look, they didn’t ask, they didn’t care. Why? Because you were constant, you didn’t change you didn’t have a life that you lived, that they were interested in, suddenly you’re a someone with issues?? Didn’t they think for once that you probably needed help when you were shadow? Only you know, only you will always know.. Maybe along, it’s not cold anymore, it’s not scary, it’s not uncertain, it’s not dark. Suddenly, you feel the warmth, you want to smile, you want to cry. You did it. You love it. You feel alive, you feel living. You see the faces haunting you every time you look in that mirror, fade away, they recede, not into darkness, but light, they go, not in vain, but in peace. You let go, you feel free. You feel light, you can breathe. But why? Why you ask my love it all plays that way? I don’t know, I don’t have an answer, but maybe so you know what it feels like to be alive and living, to feel warmth and light, to feel joy and sadness. Maybe, just so you start living and then that’s what you hold on to strong instead, the light, the fun, the colour, the life. Don't let it go when you've found it, don't let it go...

Moments

A touch , A smile
The butterflies...

The words, The silence
My oh my! 

A look , A stare 
You! How dare!

Stay, Don't leave
There...Right there.

A Long Awaited Fortuity

Well Hello there!

I get that it’s been a while since I sat down and spoke to you. Not like you missed it, but you know me and I’m full of myself. Life seems to have taken quite a turn, things that I never did foresee happening, happened, lovely events of course. While I was busy being lost and wandering, someone seems to have managed to have found me and wriggled their way in. An unexpected meeting, a not so-courteous exchange, a chat by the beach, a moment of blissful silence, and now a wonderful bond. You know how sometimes you could look for that one thing you desperately want, and only when you need it most can you not find it?? But then you give up looking for it, and you turn your mind away and go forth with life not needing it at all, and then one day , suddenly you find it! Right there, always where it should be, but you just never looked long and hard enough at that one place. This is somewhere along those lines. To describe him, well let’s see If I can do this.

Innocence. Beauty. Benevolence. Smiles. Laughter. Serenity. Special. Safety. Warmth. Love. Search. Strength. Pain. Walls. Guised. Truth. Eyes. Passion. Heat. A sweet dream. Companion. Life.

Well there you go! That’s all I’ve got. Maybe just the words, but I hope it says more to you. And YOU, if you’re reading this, well go ahead and call me stupid, but I see what I see and please let me see it.

Now to come to think of it, I seem to have forgotten what this post was about. But the point is, yes, I know life is not all smiles, and it seems like a whole lot more trouble at times, and you search and venture out into the unknown, get lost in the dark and struggle to find your way back. But wait; hold on, if you look too hard you won’t find it, because you’re just so wrought-up in your problems you can’t see past them. So take a moment maybe, calm yourself down, and just when you start living and you tell yourself “it’s alright you can make-do without”, it’ll appear, some divine interjection maybe, but I promise you it will. So just smile silly, takes the glum out of the days, and makes the burden lighter.

Come Closer

I don't want your kiss, when its so cold
Don't give me that smile, when you don't even know
What I want from you.

Don't touch my hand, don't hold it.
Don't like it when it feels so limp.
Where's all that warmth, where is all that you said you had??

Don't try and tell me , as if you knew.
Knew what I'm feeling, knew what I'd do. 
Why hide behind the words, hide behind the pain? 

Please come closer, can't you see me? 
I'm standing here,
Don't go away, when you'll regret tomorrow.

Pick me, pick me, I'm naked and exposed.
Its scary and cold , but ill wait here. 
For you , ill be bold. 

Not that I don't love you, not that you don't , but it takes more than those words, 
Ill wait for you to show.

Patiently. I'll be waiting, don't have anywhere else I need to go. 

Slander

To tread on a path walked on before,
Fairly easy.
To make one all by yourself ,
Not as much.
Scared I'm going to be judged,
But should I care?
Call me names and stone me ,
For I will ,bear.
Sometimes it feels heavy,
The weight that you carry.
Having someone with you , it's nice
Help you through the journey.
Its funny how they say ,
"Be your own person!
Venture into the wild"
But when you do and come back,
Disgrace in their eyes.
So does that mean you were wrong ?
Does that mean you don't fight ?
Is it a choice I can make?
Or do they get to decide ?

Wander

Memories passing by ,
And then ,
Lost in the corners of my mind,
Will they be found again,
Or were they meant to hide?
How do I hold on to them? Please help me out.
There is one I don't want to forget,
Scared I just might.
His face so serene,The feeling so divine.
Looked into the vast spaces in me,
Said something so kind.
Innocence isn't what it seems to be .
A common man may tell you otherwise,
I think its what I see every second,
In those eyes, and that touch.
Unexplainable.
Can I hold on to this forever ?
Can I feel it all again ?
My heart beats fast,
I'm afraid I'll run out of time.

Happiness is a choice I make

Before you proceed to read any further, I should tell you’ll that this is not the best of my writing (not that I’m claiming that I write really well!) so I’m just warning you’ll. This might not even send out any message for all I know, so it is basically just pointless jibber -jabber. Read on if you wish to do so.

It has definitely been a while since I wrote here…A year?? Wow!! Last I remember was me sitting in my room and pouring out everything. And now I’m done with college and am back here in Dubai, (apparently where I belong) with family.

So, to those who don’t know me, I spent the past three years in Bangalore to do my undergraduation. That was a phase, that was what I went there for, I did it, I finished it and I’m back. And to be honest with you’ll…I hate being back! I miss that place, the city, the friends I made and all the memories created everywhere.

I was miserable when I came “home” initially…and I was looking forward to when that next trip to Bangalore may be. And I never enjoyed anything I did, not one moment , even if I was among friends .I was depressed in my head, and I kept telling myself that I was done, that I have nothing to look forward to. There is no romantic string that is yanking me there for those who think that might be the reason. So to answer you’ll, NO its not it, It’s just the place I think. I was never more myself anywhere else before in my life, and the friends I made added to the whole experience.

But well, I realized that nothing is going to change and I have to make do with what I have and the opportunities I’m given. And then tonight, after all this time, it suddenly hits me! Happiness is a choice I make; it’s not decided by anyone else but me. I can choose to be happy no matter how bad a situation is.  Yes, you’ll probably already know that... (Ooooh! You smart people!!). I need to choose to let go of all those fears and miseries I have in my head. I decide.

I’m in this relationship where communication seems to be a bit of a problem, so bad because sometimes I wonder whether I am in one or not?? And I used to constantly keep telling myself that he must have someone else there to fill up the space, or he is the kind where he needs the attention and someone to constantly be there, and whether I should trust him or not. But then I realized...why should I bother?? Because at the end of the day I’m the one who is going to be worried sick, when I haven’t done anything! So I let go, I let go of the constant need to know whether he is wrong or whether it’s a waste of time and dissing the whole idea of love, relationship and all, because frankly, it’s not worth it! No one is worth the trouble, the stress, the sadness, the tears and sleeplessness.

This is probably the worst I’ve written, and I am quite aware of it as well. This just had to be done to help me vent and I’m happy I did it. Well to everyone out there who is worried sick because of someone else, DON’T! Because you CAN be happy, you CAN just choose to see all the right things and put all those teeny tiny problems at the background and out of focus. And also, if it comes to a point where you have to deal with it, deal with it with grace and a smile on your face. (Also because the smile annoys the crap out of the other person! =D)

Be HAPPY, from within and out!

if

decisions to be made,

things to be chosen.

hearts to be broken,

friends to be found.

lives to be changed and,

things to be prioritized.

and all these light years apart.

what if I pick one and lose another,

what if all this is a game?

if you and i only exist

because of another.

wondering if there is a truth in all these lies,

a moment of silence in all this noise,

a reason to wake up,

a need to die.

if I just had the answers,

would I be happier,

knowing that I am in control.

maybe I can,

maybe I can't,

if I only think,

then I haven't done.

but for that moment of truth,

I still wait,

with hope in my eyes,

yet another day I wake.

A Truth Beyond Question

Destiny.According to me this word is most used to blame your actions or the reasons for an unexpected turn of events. Destiny. Do you really think that there is a destiny?? Or do you think that life is just this moment, and everything you choose to do from now determines its course? Or do you think that someone above or something makes you choose what you choose?? How would you know???

There are books on Time Management, Football, Playing Cards, How to gamble and everything! (Mind you, they even have separate volumes for dummies!) I think that even life is a game of risk. We gamble here too…then why is there no book on it?? Sometimes you get confused on how you decide on things, listen to your heart or your mind? As you all know the mind is governed by logic and the heart by meager chance! Sometimes we are all bound to be stuck between the needs of the two, and when we go with what the heart wants is when we are disappointed and feel hurt, let down and are vulnerable.

I being very very wise and learned (Ha!) have found that when we listen to our mind is when we feel at ease and know that there is absolutely nothing that can go undetermined. We foresee events because of our capability to think logically. To elaborate very simply, we calculate events and their chances of it taking place. Now doesn’t that make you feel comfortable? Knowing that you know what might be most probable to take place? But there is one downside to it; there is absolutely no place for feelings. Because feelings are associated to the heart and that doesn’t tell you that you are using your mind right?

Logical explanation still does not seem to have an answer to one question. Can we know the truth? This question has been tossed around over and over again between the minds of humans. Finally Ludwig Wittgenstein, an Austrian philosopher tries to answer this question in his book Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus. It is recognized as one of the most important philosophical works of the twentieth century. The work contains almost no arguments as such, but rather declarative statements which are meant to be self-evident. Just like him and the other great thinkers even I try to seek a logical explanation in mankind. Look for an indisputable, unquestionable, irrefutable single truth. Ludwig used mathematics to find an answer. Why mathematics? What better tool can one use than mathematics to derive at a logical explanation? We all know that 1 and 1 is 2, THIS is an irrefutable argument. He went on and on, and reached a very terrifying conclusion. That there is no such truth that exists outside the world of Mathematics. There is no way of finding an absolute single truth, an irrefutable argument to answer the questions of mankind.

This might seem like a very abrupt ending, but I'm out of thoughts..We humans feel comfortable and rejoice in knowing something and having a logical explanation to it. But when we don't, we live in fear. And so I shall end with the words of Ludwig Wittgenstein, “Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must pass over in silence.”

L'Insensible Romantique!

It’s been really long since the last time I sat down to write. Well, my exams are coming up in a couple of days, and I’m home with absolutely nothing else to do, and no one to talk to. I guess that is why I'm writing this.

I want to have someone to love. Or I should just be honest and come out and say that I want to fall in love. Not the unrequited variety. Maybe this is just a phase, maybe it’s just the loneliness acting up, or maybe it is that ache in some place you’re waiting for someone to come fill up.

At this point I know I sound like a naïve teenage girl, with a crazy hair color and an urge to explore the new world ahead. So I’m going to try and explain what is running in my head, maybe then will I realize that I am being a fool.

I’ve been in love before, Yes. But then I was stupid, and made very very regrettable choices, but I chose now not to. Then, my head was up in the clouds and my heart in someone else’s hands. Sometimes I’ve even just simply given it to anyone! Anyway, the high school love story didn’t quite work out (back then we’d be making long term plans! Ha!), which was actually a good thing, though it didn’t seem so at that time. I had fun then I should say, broke a few hearts, got mine broken into a million pieces and then struggled to put them back together again with super glue!( Cliché-I know!) I’ve been a mindless, hopeless romantic who thought that love was enough to conquer the world, to a very bitter cynic with a little hint of pessimism I should say, and now still a little bit of a pessimist and a cynic trying hard to reach out for something I fear, does not exist.

I miss the feeling of being so damn sure that at the end of a really bad day, that just hearing that reassuring voice or that warm embrace telling you that everything is going to be okay. I miss those times where just sitting on your bed, the hours fly by like minutes, and every song on the radio reminds you of him. I miss just looking up at nothing and smiling, and small stupid things making you laugh. I miss having those arms around me when I’m feeling low. I miss having someone to fill those gaps between my fingers. The feeling of days going by just thinking about that one person. I miss feeling that I am someone important in their life, and him in mine. I guess that I pretty much miss caring about someone just so intensely.

But I’m not that crazy teenager anymore, and I probably have grown older, wiser…hmm…not too sure. And I now know that love and intimate relationships cannot be built on the words “I Love You” without having any similarities between. As someone I know puts it, “It’s not only about Love, It’s also about Compatibility”. I know that it is not always going to be Sugar and Spice, but will have its phases of boredom, dullness and monotony. But this is the real deal, and this is what I want! If things in life were only simple, then people would be with who they want to and growing old together and keeping a marriage together wouldn’t be that hard.

I am talking about this only so that I don’t lose touch with what I want, and let myself become this expectation-less, feeling less drone. I know I don’t want to be that because I seem to only attract such people and have a couple of live exhibits around me.

I have someone that I care about right now. Recent events have led me to question whether this is the “Love” that I thought of or whether it is my constant need to have someone who cares, and to fill that emotional void I have. Me saying that this is the unappreciated, unrequited love I’ve been fearing, might be a little too much, but it’s not quite the opposite either.

I could go on for days now, but it’s late and I’ve got to go study! But I hope he realizes that maybe I wouldn’t stick around for too long…I sure do hope that he does.

Who? Why? Where?

There comes a point in everyone’s life where they sit back and wonder what their purpose in life is. For me…these sessions happen too often. I wonder sometimes whether there even is a purpose to life. If you’ve got answers, please help me out.

Life can be pretty strange at times. To an extent when you do not know whether you are supposed to be happy or sad or maybe, both at the same time. Wondering which responsibility comes first, that of an important person in your life or that of a professional.

Who are we all? Where do we come from and where do we go? What do we do in between? What are we here for? Why do we exist? What are we expected to do? Who am I? Am I you? Or am I someone else? Are you me? Are we alone? Are we all pieces of the whole?

Do you put the needs of others before yours or not? Should one think with their heart or their head? Is it right to see whether you benefit out of everything in life or do you do it just because it makes you happy? Are relationships supposed to be taken seriously? What is Love? What is right and what is wrong? Are we all where we belong? How do we know whether we’re playing right? When there is no one to tell you, anywhere in sight.

There are so many questions that need answers to. What if I choose wrong? What if I lose things I don’t want to? What if it’s too late? What if it’s gone? Who do we become? Who should we be? What is it that is meant to be?

Untitled 1

It was a lazy gloomy day in Bangalore, and my mind as usual was racing with a million thoughts. It first started with the auto ride back home, and the driver was very unusually friendly. When you stay in India, you need to learn to be alert at all times, so I found his behavior very disturbing and I was itching to get back home safely. On my journey home he questioned me about my whereabouts, and what I’m doing in this city, you know the general questions. But in the end he turned out to be a nice guy. These thoughts kept nudging me for a couple of hours after and it, knowing my mind, took me off on a trip. A few insignificant, but the important ones are what I’m talking about now.

I realized that we all are trained to judge some genuinely nice people, as someone with a plot in their heads. We are all so scared of people to such an extent that either of the extremes freaks us out. We cannot deal with people treating us nicely or showing that they care, because, in our perception, the whole world is only looking to see what is the best they can get off us is.

We human beings are first of all very selfish, so selfish that even obtaining it at the cost of another human being’s life is child’s play. We have so many things around us, but none of it is ever enough. We always want more and more, and when there is none left, we want more of something else. We talk at great lengths about ourselves, that we can create energy, travel the universe, recreate the big bang theory, and have understood the workings of this planet. But we fail to understand a very basic thing, which exists even when we know about nothing else. The feeling a child has towards its mother, what animals and plants have amongst themselves, and on what this whole planet is built on. It is Love. Not the love which is expressed in the words “I love you”, but love that exists even without having to say it, to justify it, or to have to express it. You just have to feel it. The love one has towards your friend, an animal, a stranger on the road. To be able to give someone the very basic respect not based on their status, achievements, class, race, caste, gender or any such thing.

Humans are placed at the top of the food chain. Why??? I think we need to be placed right at the bottom way below the rocks. Yes we are capable of delivering mighty speeches on how we're going to make the world a better place and how we're all striving towards eradicating poverty and hunger. We have an Angelina Jolie trying to adopt all the kids in the world to prove that she is a good human being, and an Oprah Winfrey offering 1 million dollars to everyone who watches her show. You don’t have to prove and justify yourself to the world. They don’t care. It’s you who has to live with yourself at the end of the day; you need to have a clear conscience and a peaceful heart. We might be out there in the sun being a part of the Terry Fox Run, the Breast cancer Run, or a Charity event. But maybe we are all doing this, just to hide that little voice in our heads, constantly telling us that we’ve done wrong, or we've been selfish, or we haven’t given. But love does not lie in such material things that we think are the only ways. It starts with respect for a person, regardless of being dark of fair, being educated or not, being able to talk in English or not.

So stop proving your right in your ways and don’t try to justify yourselves. Just know that if you are stripped off all that you think you are, it might amount to nothing valuable which is what counts in this world when you are gone...

My First Blog

Well i finally enter the world of blogging after constant nudges from someone specific (You know who you are). I have often heard that writing helps vent out your feelings. I never really bought it, but i decided to give this a shot.

After an hour of trying to figure out how this works, I finally found out how to post a picture, and how not to do a couple of things.I don't know how regular I'm going to be or what it is that I should write about, but all that I'll worry about later. The point is that I finally got around to starting one.

For those who don't know me and how my mind works, I shall help you'll out. I am someone who is constantly thinking. Leave me alone in a room for a few seconds and my thoughts are injurious. I'll think about anything under the sun. How things should be, how they shouldn't, evolution, creation everything! So that explains the title of my blog, and a part of what it is that I'm going to be writing about.

But before all that i need to figure out a lot more stuff here...