L'Insensible Romantique!

It’s been really long since the last time I sat down to write. Well, my exams are coming up in a couple of days, and I’m home with absolutely nothing else to do, and no one to talk to. I guess that is why I'm writing this.

I want to have someone to love. Or I should just be honest and come out and say that I want to fall in love. Not the unrequited variety. Maybe this is just a phase, maybe it’s just the loneliness acting up, or maybe it is that ache in some place you’re waiting for someone to come fill up.

At this point I know I sound like a naïve teenage girl, with a crazy hair color and an urge to explore the new world ahead. So I’m going to try and explain what is running in my head, maybe then will I realize that I am being a fool.

I’ve been in love before, Yes. But then I was stupid, and made very very regrettable choices, but I chose now not to. Then, my head was up in the clouds and my heart in someone else’s hands. Sometimes I’ve even just simply given it to anyone! Anyway, the high school love story didn’t quite work out (back then we’d be making long term plans! Ha!), which was actually a good thing, though it didn’t seem so at that time. I had fun then I should say, broke a few hearts, got mine broken into a million pieces and then struggled to put them back together again with super glue!( Cliché-I know!) I’ve been a mindless, hopeless romantic who thought that love was enough to conquer the world, to a very bitter cynic with a little hint of pessimism I should say, and now still a little bit of a pessimist and a cynic trying hard to reach out for something I fear, does not exist.

I miss the feeling of being so damn sure that at the end of a really bad day, that just hearing that reassuring voice or that warm embrace telling you that everything is going to be okay. I miss those times where just sitting on your bed, the hours fly by like minutes, and every song on the radio reminds you of him. I miss just looking up at nothing and smiling, and small stupid things making you laugh. I miss having those arms around me when I’m feeling low. I miss having someone to fill those gaps between my fingers. The feeling of days going by just thinking about that one person. I miss feeling that I am someone important in their life, and him in mine. I guess that I pretty much miss caring about someone just so intensely.

But I’m not that crazy teenager anymore, and I probably have grown older, wiser…hmm…not too sure. And I now know that love and intimate relationships cannot be built on the words “I Love You” without having any similarities between. As someone I know puts it, “It’s not only about Love, It’s also about Compatibility”. I know that it is not always going to be Sugar and Spice, but will have its phases of boredom, dullness and monotony. But this is the real deal, and this is what I want! If things in life were only simple, then people would be with who they want to and growing old together and keeping a marriage together wouldn’t be that hard.

I am talking about this only so that I don’t lose touch with what I want, and let myself become this expectation-less, feeling less drone. I know I don’t want to be that because I seem to only attract such people and have a couple of live exhibits around me.

I have someone that I care about right now. Recent events have led me to question whether this is the “Love” that I thought of or whether it is my constant need to have someone who cares, and to fill that emotional void I have. Me saying that this is the unappreciated, unrequited love I’ve been fearing, might be a little too much, but it’s not quite the opposite either.

I could go on for days now, but it’s late and I’ve got to go study! But I hope he realizes that maybe I wouldn’t stick around for too long…I sure do hope that he does.