Slander

To tread on a path walked on before,
Fairly easy.
To make one all by yourself ,
Not as much.
Scared I'm going to be judged,
But should I care?
Call me names and stone me ,
For I will ,bear.
Sometimes it feels heavy,
The weight that you carry.
Having someone with you , it's nice
Help you through the journey.
Its funny how they say ,
"Be your own person!
Venture into the wild"
But when you do and come back,
Disgrace in their eyes.
So does that mean you were wrong ?
Does that mean you don't fight ?
Is it a choice I can make?
Or do they get to decide ?

Wander

Memories passing by ,
And then ,
Lost in the corners of my mind,
Will they be found again,
Or were they meant to hide?
How do I hold on to them? Please help me out.
There is one I don't want to forget,
Scared I just might.
His face so serene,The feeling so divine.
Looked into the vast spaces in me,
Said something so kind.
Innocence isn't what it seems to be .
A common man may tell you otherwise,
I think its what I see every second,
In those eyes, and that touch.
Unexplainable.
Can I hold on to this forever ?
Can I feel it all again ?
My heart beats fast,
I'm afraid I'll run out of time.

Happiness is a choice I make

Before you proceed to read any further, I should tell you’ll that this is not the best of my writing (not that I’m claiming that I write really well!) so I’m just warning you’ll. This might not even send out any message for all I know, so it is basically just pointless jibber -jabber. Read on if you wish to do so.

It has definitely been a while since I wrote here…A year?? Wow!! Last I remember was me sitting in my room and pouring out everything. And now I’m done with college and am back here in Dubai, (apparently where I belong) with family.

So, to those who don’t know me, I spent the past three years in Bangalore to do my undergraduation. That was a phase, that was what I went there for, I did it, I finished it and I’m back. And to be honest with you’ll…I hate being back! I miss that place, the city, the friends I made and all the memories created everywhere.

I was miserable when I came “home” initially…and I was looking forward to when that next trip to Bangalore may be. And I never enjoyed anything I did, not one moment , even if I was among friends .I was depressed in my head, and I kept telling myself that I was done, that I have nothing to look forward to. There is no romantic string that is yanking me there for those who think that might be the reason. So to answer you’ll, NO its not it, It’s just the place I think. I was never more myself anywhere else before in my life, and the friends I made added to the whole experience.

But well, I realized that nothing is going to change and I have to make do with what I have and the opportunities I’m given. And then tonight, after all this time, it suddenly hits me! Happiness is a choice I make; it’s not decided by anyone else but me. I can choose to be happy no matter how bad a situation is.  Yes, you’ll probably already know that... (Ooooh! You smart people!!). I need to choose to let go of all those fears and miseries I have in my head. I decide.

I’m in this relationship where communication seems to be a bit of a problem, so bad because sometimes I wonder whether I am in one or not?? And I used to constantly keep telling myself that he must have someone else there to fill up the space, or he is the kind where he needs the attention and someone to constantly be there, and whether I should trust him or not. But then I realized...why should I bother?? Because at the end of the day I’m the one who is going to be worried sick, when I haven’t done anything! So I let go, I let go of the constant need to know whether he is wrong or whether it’s a waste of time and dissing the whole idea of love, relationship and all, because frankly, it’s not worth it! No one is worth the trouble, the stress, the sadness, the tears and sleeplessness.

This is probably the worst I’ve written, and I am quite aware of it as well. This just had to be done to help me vent and I’m happy I did it. Well to everyone out there who is worried sick because of someone else, DON’T! Because you CAN be happy, you CAN just choose to see all the right things and put all those teeny tiny problems at the background and out of focus. And also, if it comes to a point where you have to deal with it, deal with it with grace and a smile on your face. (Also because the smile annoys the crap out of the other person! =D)

Be HAPPY, from within and out!

if

decisions to be made,

things to be chosen.

hearts to be broken,

friends to be found.

lives to be changed and,

things to be prioritized.

and all these light years apart.

what if I pick one and lose another,

what if all this is a game?

if you and i only exist

because of another.

wondering if there is a truth in all these lies,

a moment of silence in all this noise,

a reason to wake up,

a need to die.

if I just had the answers,

would I be happier,

knowing that I am in control.

maybe I can,

maybe I can't,

if I only think,

then I haven't done.

but for that moment of truth,

I still wait,

with hope in my eyes,

yet another day I wake.

A Truth Beyond Question

Destiny.According to me this word is most used to blame your actions or the reasons for an unexpected turn of events. Destiny. Do you really think that there is a destiny?? Or do you think that life is just this moment, and everything you choose to do from now determines its course? Or do you think that someone above or something makes you choose what you choose?? How would you know???

There are books on Time Management, Football, Playing Cards, How to gamble and everything! (Mind you, they even have separate volumes for dummies!) I think that even life is a game of risk. We gamble here too…then why is there no book on it?? Sometimes you get confused on how you decide on things, listen to your heart or your mind? As you all know the mind is governed by logic and the heart by meager chance! Sometimes we are all bound to be stuck between the needs of the two, and when we go with what the heart wants is when we are disappointed and feel hurt, let down and are vulnerable.

I being very very wise and learned (Ha!) have found that when we listen to our mind is when we feel at ease and know that there is absolutely nothing that can go undetermined. We foresee events because of our capability to think logically. To elaborate very simply, we calculate events and their chances of it taking place. Now doesn’t that make you feel comfortable? Knowing that you know what might be most probable to take place? But there is one downside to it; there is absolutely no place for feelings. Because feelings are associated to the heart and that doesn’t tell you that you are using your mind right?

Logical explanation still does not seem to have an answer to one question. Can we know the truth? This question has been tossed around over and over again between the minds of humans. Finally Ludwig Wittgenstein, an Austrian philosopher tries to answer this question in his book Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus. It is recognized as one of the most important philosophical works of the twentieth century. The work contains almost no arguments as such, but rather declarative statements which are meant to be self-evident. Just like him and the other great thinkers even I try to seek a logical explanation in mankind. Look for an indisputable, unquestionable, irrefutable single truth. Ludwig used mathematics to find an answer. Why mathematics? What better tool can one use than mathematics to derive at a logical explanation? We all know that 1 and 1 is 2, THIS is an irrefutable argument. He went on and on, and reached a very terrifying conclusion. That there is no such truth that exists outside the world of Mathematics. There is no way of finding an absolute single truth, an irrefutable argument to answer the questions of mankind.

This might seem like a very abrupt ending, but I'm out of thoughts..We humans feel comfortable and rejoice in knowing something and having a logical explanation to it. But when we don't, we live in fear. And so I shall end with the words of Ludwig Wittgenstein, “Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must pass over in silence.”

L'Insensible Romantique!

It’s been really long since the last time I sat down to write. Well, my exams are coming up in a couple of days, and I’m home with absolutely nothing else to do, and no one to talk to. I guess that is why I'm writing this.

I want to have someone to love. Or I should just be honest and come out and say that I want to fall in love. Not the unrequited variety. Maybe this is just a phase, maybe it’s just the loneliness acting up, or maybe it is that ache in some place you’re waiting for someone to come fill up.

At this point I know I sound like a naïve teenage girl, with a crazy hair color and an urge to explore the new world ahead. So I’m going to try and explain what is running in my head, maybe then will I realize that I am being a fool.

I’ve been in love before, Yes. But then I was stupid, and made very very regrettable choices, but I chose now not to. Then, my head was up in the clouds and my heart in someone else’s hands. Sometimes I’ve even just simply given it to anyone! Anyway, the high school love story didn’t quite work out (back then we’d be making long term plans! Ha!), which was actually a good thing, though it didn’t seem so at that time. I had fun then I should say, broke a few hearts, got mine broken into a million pieces and then struggled to put them back together again with super glue!( Cliché-I know!) I’ve been a mindless, hopeless romantic who thought that love was enough to conquer the world, to a very bitter cynic with a little hint of pessimism I should say, and now still a little bit of a pessimist and a cynic trying hard to reach out for something I fear, does not exist.

I miss the feeling of being so damn sure that at the end of a really bad day, that just hearing that reassuring voice or that warm embrace telling you that everything is going to be okay. I miss those times where just sitting on your bed, the hours fly by like minutes, and every song on the radio reminds you of him. I miss just looking up at nothing and smiling, and small stupid things making you laugh. I miss having those arms around me when I’m feeling low. I miss having someone to fill those gaps between my fingers. The feeling of days going by just thinking about that one person. I miss feeling that I am someone important in their life, and him in mine. I guess that I pretty much miss caring about someone just so intensely.

But I’m not that crazy teenager anymore, and I probably have grown older, wiser…hmm…not too sure. And I now know that love and intimate relationships cannot be built on the words “I Love You” without having any similarities between. As someone I know puts it, “It’s not only about Love, It’s also about Compatibility”. I know that it is not always going to be Sugar and Spice, but will have its phases of boredom, dullness and monotony. But this is the real deal, and this is what I want! If things in life were only simple, then people would be with who they want to and growing old together and keeping a marriage together wouldn’t be that hard.

I am talking about this only so that I don’t lose touch with what I want, and let myself become this expectation-less, feeling less drone. I know I don’t want to be that because I seem to only attract such people and have a couple of live exhibits around me.

I have someone that I care about right now. Recent events have led me to question whether this is the “Love” that I thought of or whether it is my constant need to have someone who cares, and to fill that emotional void I have. Me saying that this is the unappreciated, unrequited love I’ve been fearing, might be a little too much, but it’s not quite the opposite either.

I could go on for days now, but it’s late and I’ve got to go study! But I hope he realizes that maybe I wouldn’t stick around for too long…I sure do hope that he does.

Who? Why? Where?

There comes a point in everyone’s life where they sit back and wonder what their purpose in life is. For me…these sessions happen too often. I wonder sometimes whether there even is a purpose to life. If you’ve got answers, please help me out.

Life can be pretty strange at times. To an extent when you do not know whether you are supposed to be happy or sad or maybe, both at the same time. Wondering which responsibility comes first, that of an important person in your life or that of a professional.

Who are we all? Where do we come from and where do we go? What do we do in between? What are we here for? Why do we exist? What are we expected to do? Who am I? Am I you? Or am I someone else? Are you me? Are we alone? Are we all pieces of the whole?

Do you put the needs of others before yours or not? Should one think with their heart or their head? Is it right to see whether you benefit out of everything in life or do you do it just because it makes you happy? Are relationships supposed to be taken seriously? What is Love? What is right and what is wrong? Are we all where we belong? How do we know whether we’re playing right? When there is no one to tell you, anywhere in sight.

There are so many questions that need answers to. What if I choose wrong? What if I lose things I don’t want to? What if it’s too late? What if it’s gone? Who do we become? Who should we be? What is it that is meant to be?